gym crying

Today was kind of a mess. Yesterday was pretty fabulous because I officially lost 20 pounds, and four inches off my waist. Even this morning i had lost another waist inch, and I found that I've lost an inch off of my neck, "bicep," and a couple off of my hips/chest too! But then I went to the gym; I was pretty excited because I signed up to do this interval training session, which said that you could do it on any machine you choose. When I showed up, though, the trainer kind of made me go on this one machine, that I don't even know the name of, because everyone else was going on it. It really felt like torture even in the first few minutes. I got so frustrated with myself and with the situation that I cried, so I finally got to go on the treadmill. I eventually got a good workout that I felt good about, but it was still stupid.

I think most of what happened is about my need for control - especially over my own workout. I don't think that's good though, I know that it's because I want to feel comfortable, and if nothing else, I've learned from The Biggest Loser that being comfortable means you're not working hard enough. That's another thing I was frustrated about: I was frustrated with myself that I just wouldn't push hard enough to do this. Being a whiner because my thighs are burning means that I'm not doing all I could. It was so frustrating for me that it didn't show how hard I could work - it made them think that I couldn't do hard cardio, that I haven't been doing all the hard work I've been doing in the last three weeks. It also made me second-guess how I felt about the work I had been doing... if I can't do a minute on that machine, maybe I haven't improved my cardio as much as I'd thought.

Though, it's possible that I needed more of a warm up to be able to do that machine, that going zero to crazy might have made me focus too much on my thighs where I don't on the stepper when I do it after the treadmill. That new thought gives me hope.

Anyway, after the whole debacle, though, the girl I had cried beside gave me her number because she wants me to join this train-to-run program she's part of. I'm trying not to think about why; sure it could be because clearly I like treadmill and therefore have running potential in my "comfort zone," but also she might just feel bad for the fat crying girl who can't handle that dumb machine. I'm anxious about calling her - though I might feel better after my anxiety subsides from a better day - and I'm not quite sure I'm going to join that program. HOWEVER, I'm pretty sure she's still inspired me! I downloaded a "couch to 5k" (also partly inspired by Emily Moxey) app for my iPad, and I think I'm going to try that training program. I REALLY want to learn how to run, and I think I can do it if I start how it suggests. I'm just worried that I'm more "couch" than they plan these things for... but then again I'm less so than I was three weeks ago. We will see, it'll be nice to follow a program for myself instead of some major financial, social commitment. Who knows.

That's all for now, let's hope for a better day tomorrow! (Can't wait til I can post these entries for people to actually read lol)

I'm so excited! So the first week (starting January 10), I lost 13 pounds... and it really just felt so easy! The last couple of days I haven't had any loss of weight or inches (two inches came off the first week!!), but its not even bringing down my motivation. I love my meal plan. It's really given me a structure to my life and I feel so calm all the time :). I'm so happy.

reason

I believe that spending most of my life overweight has been for a reason. I believe that it has brought extreme feelings out so they could be forgiven. Maybe the timing has been essential? With the things that have been conquered in the first quarter of my life, I think that it is time to readjust my priorities. It's time to feel okay about working on myself, while not becoming too superficial and image-focused.

----------------------------
This is the first of a series of catching up with a few posts I wrote during my covert weight loss operation, started on January 10. Some parts may be cut for public usability.