resistance.

In resisting the urge to post some massively emo song lyrics, I'm just going to ramble I suppose. I don't know what I actually want to post about (aside from Jason Mraz-style comfort for the soul).


Frankly, I had a pretty emo day; it was the first day I actually had a whole bunch of stuff I have to do. Ohhh how Thursdays suck. I taught leadership, halfway through which I fell into some intense sadness, to the point of feeling nauseous. The rest of the day was in and out of sad. Leadership meeting (it was mentioned), 4P44 class with Andy (definitely talked about, mentioned to teacher), Placement class (had to mention memorial to teacher). The conclusion from such a day is that venturing back out into the outside world requires a whole new set of coping skills.

Fuck coping skills. I'm just beginning to cope with my own damn mind.
Sometimes I feel like "coping skills" is actually just stifling how I actually feel; why can't I just fucking act on how I feel?! (but I don't mean in doing the big deal stuff that scares people).


4P44 was also triggering in other ways today too... but whatever. *eye roll*



...there was no structure to this entry...sorry...

Bribery.

Brock University is like the mob; I can just hear its grad studies department say let me make you an offer you can't refuse... 

They are offering me amazing things. 

1. Rebecca Raby.

         She is my current teacher for this amazing class that I LOVE: Gender and Sexuality in Child and Youth Studies. OH EM GEE. They offered me her as my Grad Studies supervisor. She's wicked. Apparently she even wants me despite being such a dead beat student. It's so tempting because I know who she is. I KNOW I'll love and benefit from working with her...

2. $15125. 

         Do I even need to say anything about this?! So far this is compared to Queen's $4000 that they have since taken away. BAHHHH. 

What do I do. From day one, I've known that I don't want to go to Brock. But I have a feeling that I can get whatever the fuck I want from Brock. So so SO tempting. I KNOW Brock. I love people at Brock. 

It's also sad to think that, if I had known I might even consider Brock, I would have applied to be an HR.

Bah. 

Not with that attitude.

Remember, nonexistent reader, when I used to (about a week ago) say I can't cry?
Conor has proven me wrong.


On Saturday night, at about 8:45pm, I found out that Conor passed away.

Since then, I have cried more than I ever will about leaving RLS.
But nothing I write about here could do justice to his life and how I feel.



I suppose that's about all for now. I'm so sad.

Rest in Peace, Conor. We miss you so much, and I hope you know that ♥.

noise complaint noise complaint noise complaint

At least in the real world, I won't have to deal with ANY of this shit at 4am.
Fuck.

the emo-est

So the last few days, or even the last few weeks, have been strongly characterized by pretty quick mood swings. OR a general sense of sadness that is easily distracted. Either one could be true. The point is, though, that I've been really quite sad pretty often, and I don't know why and, more importantly, it shouldn't be happening. Is it normal for the transition out of RLS though? It could be, and therefore maybe it transcends all science-y methods of mood control?

I don't know, but it sucks. I hate not having a pinpointable reason, it makes me feel like it's not something I can talk to other people about. I suppose I'll just have to keep doing cool things to cheer myself up.

This too shall pass.

transition lenses

Starting this blog (though it was my own choice and possibly a sign of my own propensity for melodrama) signifies the beginning of the end.

It's terrifying and sad, and it's especially hard right now because I don't know what the new beginning will look like. I don't even know what province it will be in and, frankly, grad schools' arbitrary timelines make me want to scream. I don't want to make such an important decision because of my impatience and other schools' sadistic enjoyment of fucking with applicants. Either way, though, I'm incredibly excited about continuing to the next part of my education; it feels like I'm growing up, and I like that.

Regardless of what the beginning will look like, though, the end doesn't get easier. I love my comfortable little bubble at Brock in residence and especially as a Don. In the real world, people do a lot of things I'm not okay with, that I don't want to have to bother with. I am about to be thrown back into the "normal" dog-eat-dog young adult culture of trying to be cool. I suck at trying to be cool (unless it's hip to explain to people why calling things "gay" is hurtful or to suggest that they "make good choices"). It's going to be interesting, if nothing else.

However, I also wonder if, when I'm on the other side, RLS won't seem so rosy and ideal anymore? In some ways, I'm not naive and I see that it's flawed, but in others I maintain a strong grasp on my rose-coloured sunglasses. Such is my life most of the time. Regardless, though, I know for certain I'm going to miss the closeness and comfort of the relationships I've made here, and I'm going to miss my friends a lot. I hear that hugs are few and far between out there, and I'm not looking forward to that.
I rely on hugs more than anyone knows.