neglect

I hate Blog neglect. The silliest part is that it usually happens during the most emotional whirlwind of times, only to post a month later and say "yadda yadda this happened but it's not a big deal I'm over it now", when at the time it was a huge deal.

It's annoying and neglects the truth of how I felt for that while and the hypothetical curious reader who misses a chunk of the story. Though that's assuming a lot. Either way, it's about to happen, so try not to be too frustrated.



The last month has been very VERY up and down. I have felt a lot of love from friends, which has been so helpful. Despite it all I have been so sad at times: leaving related and not.

Sometimes it's existential crises about being damaged and all that silly *angst* that comes with being me. I put them down, but in the midst they are so serious for me. So I've been taking baby steps (and I mean tiny TINY steps) to feel better about that stuff on the whole. Most of it involves silly books that I only take seriously on occasion, but I'm also doing other important stuff, like ensuring I have professional support here (though I'm only here for the next 6 days) and at school. And through it I've had caring friends - who care TOO much <3 - and really that's the part that's meant the most for me.

Other times, of course, there's the leaving-related roller coaster that I'm still stuck on. Like most roller coasters though, it's mostly terrifying whips around that leave me clinging to whatever I can hold on to. This is too much change in one fell swoop. I'm leaving people, and a culture, and a routine, and a ... safety I guess. I'm going to start in a new province, in a new lifestyle of my own apartment, at a new school, at a new level of education, in a new type of job.

But I suppose people do that every day... though ideally, and in my usual world, they have that Don (or whomever) there to hold their hands through it. All of my hand-holding will be done electronically. That's, I guess, what I'm most worried about. But I think that's something I've said all along. The hugs, that kind of thing. That's not news. But as it gets closer to the time I have to leave (SIX FUCKING DAYS) the panic gets so much stronger.

Hopefully the benefits will outweigh the losses.

cling

It's July. This is the month I leave. I leave THIS MONTH. I don't want to: I feel desperate. I feel like I need to desperately cling to my friends, spend as much time as possible. I feel like in some cases, though, that's not so easy. There's not enough time. People have their own things going on. I work suddenly.

But I'm clawing for it, but at the same time feel like I need to be silent about it. I don't want to impose, I don't want to be turned down and hurt, I don't want to seem clingy. I am though, because I'm so scared. I'm scared of being isolated in a place while trying desperately to stay connected to my home friends who are too busy with their home life. I'm afraid of getting hurt AND being isolated. Simultaneously.

I feel like it's a bad combination. Especially for me.

So I guess I feel clingy now because maybe if I store up enough time before I go, I'll feel less desperate while I'm there. I guess I expect to get some peace from that, and feel comfortable stepping completely and utterly out of my comfort zone.

It's overwhelming and I don't know what to do about it.

I wish it weren't already July...