I am not going to waste time being like "oh no, it's been so long since I've blogged, forgive me!" I'm just going to use this as I please and we'll see how it goes.
I have been exceptionally productive in the second half of this month... I seriously can't even remember the last time I have worked this hard. It's almost exhilarating - this is how my whole life should be, however it makes my life exceedingly boring. But for the first time I feel like I'm really getting to where I want to be. Up until this point - yes halfway through September - I have felt like I was doing to prep work to lead up to important things. Finally, though, I actually feel like I'm DOING the things I've dreamt of doing. I'm increasingly in love with my boring life. I'm also really hopeful to start integrating other forms of routine and productivity into my life with this newfound functionality: exercise, adult cooking, cleaning.
We'll see.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
how do you know?
Happily, this post has nothing to do with love, as the title might suggest.
BUT I do not know how explicitly I will explain what it is really about. That is still to be determined.
I'm doing a lot of reflecting lately and I just wonder... how do you "learn" or "discover" something that is supposed to be an inherent truth. Sure, if you know anything about my academic life, you know I spit in the face of things such as "inherent truths". But if you're supposed to just know something about yourself, but you don't, how do you get there? There are a couple things that I'm referring to with this, and they're essential to work through if this reflection is going to get anywhere. But I don't know how you learn them or whatever. You can know so many things about yourself but how do you get them all to connect and relate.
Maybe it's not something I have to figure out about myself but about life?
We'll see.
BUT I do not know how explicitly I will explain what it is really about. That is still to be determined.
I'm doing a lot of reflecting lately and I just wonder... how do you "learn" or "discover" something that is supposed to be an inherent truth. Sure, if you know anything about my academic life, you know I spit in the face of things such as "inherent truths". But if you're supposed to just know something about yourself, but you don't, how do you get there? There are a couple things that I'm referring to with this, and they're essential to work through if this reflection is going to get anywhere. But I don't know how you learn them or whatever. You can know so many things about yourself but how do you get them all to connect and relate.
Maybe it's not something I have to figure out about myself but about life?
We'll see.
Friday, May 6, 2011
limbo
So sorry for being such a deadbeat blogger. I will definitely try harder. I also think that there are a couple saved drafts of posts that I started but no longer feel relevant. What can you do but start where you are, though, right?
Right now I am at home. I've been here for a few weeks and will be for another few weeks - with some trips in between. I'm enjoying being at home and at the same time feel like something is missing. I think that home has become to feel like limbo. It's a break from my "real life," which is relieving but also feels stagnant.
I have been pretty good at life for the last while that I was at school. Since I came back from my short reading week trip home I had continued my sleeping patterns. Due to the time difference it meant I fell asleep around 10:30/11PM and woke up around 9AM. Seriously, that little change felt amazing!! I also spent every day walking as soon as I woke up, because I found that it jumpstarted my productivity. I've fallen in love with going outside - of course I still do not plan to overdose on it, but it's amazing to have that daily fresh air. I even made my own lunch and went on my bike about 3 nights a week. It really really felt amazing, and felt so good physically and emotionally.
Here, I do nothing. However, I am starting to walk my dog more and more. It just feels like a pause in my life - it feels kind of awkward. I'm sure, though, that I will miss it when I am back there... at least after the first week of reuniting with my super soft mattress, double computer screen, and the mountains.
Also, I left a small garbage bag on my kitchen counter by accident and I think it had food in it... oops.
Still love being with my family and friends here though... I'm sure the future me would be mad if I didn't appreciate this time for soaking up all the love <3.
Right now I am at home. I've been here for a few weeks and will be for another few weeks - with some trips in between. I'm enjoying being at home and at the same time feel like something is missing. I think that home has become to feel like limbo. It's a break from my "real life," which is relieving but also feels stagnant.
I have been pretty good at life for the last while that I was at school. Since I came back from my short reading week trip home I had continued my sleeping patterns. Due to the time difference it meant I fell asleep around 10:30/11PM and woke up around 9AM. Seriously, that little change felt amazing!! I also spent every day walking as soon as I woke up, because I found that it jumpstarted my productivity. I've fallen in love with going outside - of course I still do not plan to overdose on it, but it's amazing to have that daily fresh air. I even made my own lunch and went on my bike about 3 nights a week. It really really felt amazing, and felt so good physically and emotionally.
Here, I do nothing. However, I am starting to walk my dog more and more. It just feels like a pause in my life - it feels kind of awkward. I'm sure, though, that I will miss it when I am back there... at least after the first week of reuniting with my super soft mattress, double computer screen, and the mountains.
Also, I left a small garbage bag on my kitchen counter by accident and I think it had food in it... oops.
Still love being with my family and friends here though... I'm sure the future me would be mad if I didn't appreciate this time for soaking up all the love <3.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
historic procrastination
So for the holidays, I set myself a goal. It wasn't a lofty goal, and I even started on it before the holidays started. I borrowed three textbooks from the UBC library and set out on *drumroll* ... teaching myself Canadian history. That's right, loyal followers: I, Jennifer Moule, do not know ANY Canadian history.
Well, that's not true. Before the break, 'Tale taught me that John A. MacDonald was our first prime minister. So I know that.
I'm not even joking.
Also, are you supposed to capitalize "Prime Minister"?
My history allergy started in middle school. We had social studies on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, and I really freaking hated it. Not that I didn't hate everything about middle school, and not that there were different intimidating cool kids in that particular class, but there was just something about it that I needed to escape. So every Tuesday and Thursday at lunch I would call my mom so I could go home. When that didn't work - although it usually did - Caitlin and I would sit at the very front of the class and push our desks together, even though the teacher kept telling us we couldn't. And, of course, we did not learn any social studies - especially not history.
In high school then, I of course entered with zero understanding of history when I had to take both civics and history in grade 10. I got a 60 in the former and a 56 in the latter, and I'm pretty sure I carried it over too. The last time I can remember participating actively in some sort of historical learning was when, in grade 5, I (but mostly my mom) made a model version of Lake Champlain (which I have since visited in a motorboat with Patrick, a bunch of high kids, and a dog) where I displayed native people coming to fight Samuel de Champlain... or something. (Yes, these are the racist inaccuracies your kids are learning in elementary school).
Fast-forward to Graduate School. While I have since survived academia without any historic knowledge, it is quickly becoming my achilles heel in higher-higher-education. Once you get to the big leagues, apparently, your grade 10 background in history becomes necessary, and you should probably know anything about Canada and what got us to this point. In small group discussions about the contextual reasons for particular historical phenomena that is relevant today, an intelligent person should not answer with "well... maybe there was like... a war? At that time?" (Even though that ended up being a valid point, I probably should know when the wars are). This is why I embarked on that journey.
Of course, however, we do know that history repeats itself. Only four chapters total, out of three books, have been read. My mom suggested I get a children's book on history, so maybe that's the smarter route.
My life is sad.
Well, that's not true. Before the break, 'Tale taught me that John A. MacDonald was our first prime minister. So I know that.
I'm not even joking.
Also, are you supposed to capitalize "Prime Minister"?
My history allergy started in middle school. We had social studies on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, and I really freaking hated it. Not that I didn't hate everything about middle school, and not that there were different intimidating cool kids in that particular class, but there was just something about it that I needed to escape. So every Tuesday and Thursday at lunch I would call my mom so I could go home. When that didn't work - although it usually did - Caitlin and I would sit at the very front of the class and push our desks together, even though the teacher kept telling us we couldn't. And, of course, we did not learn any social studies - especially not history.
In high school then, I of course entered with zero understanding of history when I had to take both civics and history in grade 10. I got a 60 in the former and a 56 in the latter, and I'm pretty sure I carried it over too. The last time I can remember participating actively in some sort of historical learning was when, in grade 5, I (but mostly my mom) made a model version of Lake Champlain (which I have since visited in a motorboat with Patrick, a bunch of high kids, and a dog) where I displayed native people coming to fight Samuel de Champlain... or something. (Yes, these are the racist inaccuracies your kids are learning in elementary school).
Fast-forward to Graduate School. While I have since survived academia without any historic knowledge, it is quickly becoming my achilles heel in higher-higher-education. Once you get to the big leagues, apparently, your grade 10 background in history becomes necessary, and you should probably know anything about Canada and what got us to this point. In small group discussions about the contextual reasons for particular historical phenomena that is relevant today, an intelligent person should not answer with "well... maybe there was like... a war? At that time?" (Even though that ended up being a valid point, I probably should know when the wars are). This is why I embarked on that journey.
Of course, however, we do know that history repeats itself. Only four chapters total, out of three books, have been read. My mom suggested I get a children's book on history, so maybe that's the smarter route.
My life is sad.
Monday, January 3, 2011
hat trick, part one: obligatory new years post
So there are three posts I want to make right now. I want, of course, to talk about my new years goals, etc. I also want to discuss my struggle with feeling like a leper. AND I want to talk about learning Canadian history. In an ideal world, I would adjust my life so that I wrote about Canadian history two weeks ago, feeling like a leper (and conquering it) on January 1, and my new years goals today. What can you do though, I will try to relax and space the posts out. However, there is the high likelihood that after today I won't care to write the other two posts, but really you might be better off.
Also of course I need a catch-up post, because a LOT has happened since my last update. Who knows when I'll get that in. For now, though, I shall start JITRW's 2011 with the obligatory post about what I will take from 2010 and what I hope for 2011.
number one: surpass mediocrity
So I'm not going to pretend that my first semester of my Masters degree was not successful. Despite my struggles to stay focused, my procrastination, my ambivalence, and my burnout, I still did a really good job. I kept up with the big guys, put out some controversial stuff, and achieved the intimidating class averages. Of course I am proud of all of that, especially when it comes to my Critical Race Theory course. My goal from this, however, is to now push through and get past being average. I know I can do it if I can better manage those problems with focus/ambivalence/burnout/procrastination. As an ex-Academic Programmer, I will loosely employ SMART goals by professing that I will achieve 3% above the class averages in 2/3 of my classes. So here's hoping.
number two: greater resemble functionality
So a large portion of this blog has revolved around how great at life I was in August, and how much I would like to return to that place. If we remember correctly, that involves keeping my apartment clean, cooking new and interesting things for myself, exercising, and taking care of how I look. To do so will involve a major action plan and so, because there is nothing that says "SMART goals" about 'greater resemble functionality', I will work to achieve this resolution in the following ways:
a. get over it
One of the first things I have to do is deal with the fact that I was functional at some point and then I stopped for whatever reason. That I have to stop dwelling on what happened that threw me off my game, stop being angry, stop being nostalgic, and realize that no matter what goes on in my dramatic life that I should still do things for myself, like clean and cook and exercise.
b. start fresh
I am pretty excited about the idea that when I return my apartment will be clean and devoid of groceries. AND I will have a vacuum and an exercise bike! This way I will be able to start new patterns when I "move in" as opposed to just "go back". In terms of groceries, I plan to compile a list of healthy recipes that I will eat, and shop for those. This will help me avoid doing it the other way around: shopping with my taste buds and finding recipes based off my gluttonous ingredients. I will also be able to forge a new schedule; my classes are changing and so I will be able to reconfigure where I fit in important things. The hope is that it is less of a transition and more of a starting point for everything.
c. schedule
As I just mentioned, with the new class schedule can come a schedule in which I make sure everything I would like to do, fits. I plan to use PEN to put in when I will be working out, cooking, tidying, showering, laundering, etc. so that it can become habit to the point that I no longer have to be so rigid on myself. Hopefully it will also get to the point that changes in mood can not throw off my routine. (Also a hope is that routine will help prevent changes in mood as well).
number three: make ten new friends
So far in grad school, I have done some meeting of people. I have made sure to participate in social stuff, talk to people in classes, etc. What I'm not doing yet is venturing out of my comfort zone. I'm not putting the BlackBerry down, letting myself be lonely so that I actively search out that connection with people in my new city. (PS, in no way should this inspire a BB intervention or text messaging tough love). I still need to do it though, and I am certain that once I make a point to keep friendships up with the people I have met, I won't feel like I am SO far away. There needs to be a balance of friends, is all. Friends are sometimes the hardest part for me though, but I am determined. Ten friends may sound like a lot, but over the course of twelve months, I think it's doable.
I suppose I'll keep this blog posted with how well my goals and action plans are going. Try to keep me accountable to them :). Happy New Year!
Also of course I need a catch-up post, because a LOT has happened since my last update. Who knows when I'll get that in. For now, though, I shall start JITRW's 2011 with the obligatory post about what I will take from 2010 and what I hope for 2011.
number one: surpass mediocrity
So I'm not going to pretend that my first semester of my Masters degree was not successful. Despite my struggles to stay focused, my procrastination, my ambivalence, and my burnout, I still did a really good job. I kept up with the big guys, put out some controversial stuff, and achieved the intimidating class averages. Of course I am proud of all of that, especially when it comes to my Critical Race Theory course. My goal from this, however, is to now push through and get past being average. I know I can do it if I can better manage those problems with focus/ambivalence/burnout/procrastination. As an ex-Academic Programmer, I will loosely employ SMART goals by professing that I will achieve 3% above the class averages in 2/3 of my classes. So here's hoping.
number two: greater resemble functionality
So a large portion of this blog has revolved around how great at life I was in August, and how much I would like to return to that place. If we remember correctly, that involves keeping my apartment clean, cooking new and interesting things for myself, exercising, and taking care of how I look. To do so will involve a major action plan and so, because there is nothing that says "SMART goals" about 'greater resemble functionality', I will work to achieve this resolution in the following ways:
a. get over it
One of the first things I have to do is deal with the fact that I was functional at some point and then I stopped for whatever reason. That I have to stop dwelling on what happened that threw me off my game, stop being angry, stop being nostalgic, and realize that no matter what goes on in my dramatic life that I should still do things for myself, like clean and cook and exercise.
b. start fresh
I am pretty excited about the idea that when I return my apartment will be clean and devoid of groceries. AND I will have a vacuum and an exercise bike! This way I will be able to start new patterns when I "move in" as opposed to just "go back". In terms of groceries, I plan to compile a list of healthy recipes that I will eat, and shop for those. This will help me avoid doing it the other way around: shopping with my taste buds and finding recipes based off my gluttonous ingredients. I will also be able to forge a new schedule; my classes are changing and so I will be able to reconfigure where I fit in important things. The hope is that it is less of a transition and more of a starting point for everything.
c. schedule
As I just mentioned, with the new class schedule can come a schedule in which I make sure everything I would like to do, fits. I plan to use PEN to put in when I will be working out, cooking, tidying, showering, laundering, etc. so that it can become habit to the point that I no longer have to be so rigid on myself. Hopefully it will also get to the point that changes in mood can not throw off my routine. (Also a hope is that routine will help prevent changes in mood as well).
number three: make ten new friends
So far in grad school, I have done some meeting of people. I have made sure to participate in social stuff, talk to people in classes, etc. What I'm not doing yet is venturing out of my comfort zone. I'm not putting the BlackBerry down, letting myself be lonely so that I actively search out that connection with people in my new city. (PS, in no way should this inspire a BB intervention or text messaging tough love). I still need to do it though, and I am certain that once I make a point to keep friendships up with the people I have met, I won't feel like I am SO far away. There needs to be a balance of friends, is all. Friends are sometimes the hardest part for me though, but I am determined. Ten friends may sound like a lot, but over the course of twelve months, I think it's doable.
I suppose I'll keep this blog posted with how well my goals and action plans are going. Try to keep me accountable to them :). Happy New Year!
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