So here I am. It's after denouement. After all the students left, and I've left Brock University for good. Any time I go back, I will be a visitor. It's not my home anymore. BUT, strangely enough, I'm not sad yet. Like, I'm not exuberant, but there have been no tears since drunken Jenn. Not even melancholy. It's weird.
Being the person I am, I'm trying to psychoanalyze the shit out of myself to figure out why this could be.
Possibility #1: It's still coming.
It's quite possible that for some reason I'm in denial, or it hasn't hit me yet, or I will feel it at a time during which I SHOULD be going back but am not. It's weird. Like it's the eerie quiet before the hurricane returns. Watch out, keep everything boarded up still, and kleenex on hand.
Possibility #2: I'm too drugged up to care enough.
The muted feelings happen to coincide with a nice dose boost of my Crazy Meds. Technically, the only time I have bawled about leaving was when I was drunk. Being drunk tends to counter the effect of the meds AND is a depressant, so maybe that's why I could be sad when I was drunk? I don't even know how I feel about this numbness if it's medication-based. Am I glad I'm not sad or am I distressed by my lack of emotion? In all honesty we all know I'm just numb (IF this is the case. And if it's not, what then?)
Possibly #3: I am at peace with it?!?!
I suppose that it is possible that I feel at peace with leaving RLS and Brock. Possible and weird and the most distressing possibility in a way. Like I mean, I know that I did leave RLS on my own terms, and that I accomplished a lot (for a further post! look for it!), and that I have super exciting stuff to plan for for the future, but can I REALLY not be upset about leaving the place I was in for four years?! The community I was a part of and lived the shit out of for three years?! The FRIENDS, my wonderful WONDERFUL friends I fell in love with over the last three years or less?!?
....and no, I'm still not crying. It's gotta be number 2. What the Hell?!
Thoughts?? Oh anonymous and sparse and familial readers? Vote on the most likely explanation if you're that bored...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
I remember feeling really weird the day I moved out of Guelph. It was like saying "well...see...you later...I guess?" to 4.5 years of my life!
ReplyDeleteI think I also waited for some epic reaction that never came. I was simply ready to leave and start something new. It was perfect.
Admittedly, it was a little different for me b/c I did 4.5 years. Most of the people who I had gone through my program with left after the solid 4 so I had already said those goodbyes. And not everyone else was leaving at 4.5 either...just me!
Maybe it IS number 3 for you. It's totally okay to be ready to leave something you loved. You aren't obligated to feel upset about it. You don't have to cry and be depressed, instead you can smile every time you think about your awesome 4 years and cherish it!