balancing, act-free

I guess the residual theme that has stayed with me since Eat Pray Love, is the importance of "balance". I'm not going to lie: balance has never been important to me, which is good because it has been so elusive from my grasp for the entire first 23 years and 9 months of my life. Doctors say this is me having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I think it's weird to say that because I feel as though saying "I have OCD" is interpreted as just a melodramatic self-interpretation of quirks, but it's a medical opinion, I promise. This has resulted in my newest dose of medication, and now I finally have a way to start battling it!! Frankly, until it started working, I didn't really mind it.

Zero into NOW: Week by week, my life has started forming some of its own balance, with no extra effort or determination. It feels so far from throwing myself into big plans, then throwing myself into laziness, lather, rinse, repeat. I clean when it needs it, I workout without obsession, I cook for fun, play games/watch TV when I feel like it, etc, etc, etc. I don't overeat. I can have e-conversations with my friends without needing to fill the electronic silence characteristic of texting and msning. And it's so weird that it just kind of all happened on its own: this is no balancing act. This is just balance. Like real people; like the people they talk about in the first paragraph of 7 Habits for Highly Effective Teens (I've been envious of them since I read that book as am eager 15 year old).

The best part about it, is that this balance feels so carefree. 

(Visual representation of carefree balance)

When I go nuts trying to achieve this kind of life, the juggling balls inevitably collapse in on me and leave me with two black eyes. But this time I'm not juggling, I don't need to physically juggle; if anything, I'm using The Force. So watch your shit.

;) Jay/Kay

eatpraylove? or whatever...

When I picked up the book Eat Pray Love about a year ago, I discarded it. A review I just read (and quickly lost the link) said it perfectly: You pick it up knowing it has a happy ending. Someone like me puts it back down.

I wanted to see the movie, though, because I'm okay with the shiny, happy endings staying in movies where they belong, and I wanted to know what actually happened in the book. I expected to like the movie, which I did. What I didn't expect was the bit of inspiration I got from it. I wouldn't say it changed my life, because it didn't; the three things she learned to do (I bet you can deduce what they are) are not things I'm really interested in achieving. I'm not interested in learning prayer or faith, I'm a LONG way from being ready to learn to love (profound, I know), and I'm pretty sure we all know I don't need to learn to eat.

What I did learn was in the final voice over soliloquy by Julia Roberts.

I felt like she was saying exactly what I needed to hear. Man I tried hard to memorized even the key words of what she said, but failed miserably. The overall message, though, was that spending time with yourself, leaving your world behind, can be such a growing experience. That it's how you learn to be your own person, be your own best friend, and find... well the soliloquy I'm pretty sure said the "your truth". This term is so ambiguous and its wording renders me ambivalent - I'm not much for the "t" word. If you think of it as your personal truth, however, one that differs from anyone else's, I can stomach it. I can even be enthused about it.

What it means for me is how to be happy as my own person without being as dependent on my friends as I am, as hopeless as I feel, and as... empty I can feel in those moments. That being by myself can be as fulfilling as anything else.

Or something.

But Eat Pray Love? That's how she got there. Here I am on my own, leaving my life behind me, maybe forging my own life, but do I need my own three stepping stones?

Or am I just jumping on the EPL bandwagon of people who are likely rushing to their travel agents (I think that's what people use?) to book trips to at least one of the beautifully advertised exotic locales? I guess it doesn't matter either way, it just serves as another good push for me to thrive out here instead of curl into the fetal position cradling my Blackberry. The latter will still happen once in a while, and I have the most amazing friends on the end of the line willing to humour me ♥, and hopefully I always will hahaha, but also I hope (and I'm sure they agree) that the need will decrease as I get more comfortable and spend more quality time with myself.

We'll see.

why do i watch this crap?: big brother

So finally I come back to the WDIWTC concept. It hasn't been forgotten - I just haven't felt enough inspiration to return to it, despite a good number of episodes of Toddlers in Tiaras or even the consideration of catching the new deep, meaningful classic Bachelor Pad. Inspiration finally came to me during the finale of So You Think You Can Dance - a show that I do not consider crap - during which, I am ashamed to say, the thought of what might be going on in the Big Brother house has crossed my mind. This thought, of course, is followed quickly by, what on Earth is wrong with me?!, thus birthing this exact blog post.

why i've ended up watching it
I'm going to have to blame my parents again here, kind of, though we haven't ever really watched it together. It seemed to mostly serve as the replacement for The Bachelorette and whatever other reality shows ended around the time it began. It just sort of, well, happened. That's probably its evil plan...

what i don't like about it
I don't even feel as though I have the energy to write this section - I feel like this is more of a rhetorical question. Maybe it's hard to put into words because there's no blaringly obvious reason why it should be hated - aside from its very nature. Everything in the Why I Like It section could be found here (except for Ragan) - thus the ambivalence. Not to mention, everyone dislikes it for different reasons - different housemates rub different viewers the wrong way.
I suppose some people are okay with screechy girls who sound like they're constantly trying - and failing - to act, or wimpy, deluded, pseudo-hotshots who errantly refer to themselves as "the brain" in their wannabe macho dream-team alliance. The greatest thing about the things I dislike about the show, however, is that they compel me to watch even more. What I wouldn't give to see Matt kicked off that show with his head hanging once everyone gets onto his shit.
Etc. Etc. Etc.

what i do like about it
In all honesty, I don't think I have much of an excuse for this one. This show seems to cause ambivalent curiosity for even the biggest trash-tv naysayers. Cynical people (I won't out anyone here) with whom I've sat down in front of the show have begun by judgement and ridicule, but have since texted me with reports on the drama, and clearly know the characters' names much better than I do. How does this happen?! It may be the vague sexual content, it may be the beautiful people (or a combination of the two), and maybe they've just got the monopoly on the best Reality TV casters to create the best combination of drama queens, quirky normal people, meat heads, delusionals, hippies, girls-and-boys of the next door variety, and middle aged do-gooder. The result: just about everyone can be simultaneously annoyed and entertained, can find their would-be best friends and enemies alike. What is probably the biggest draw of the show as a concept is probably that for every part that makes us roll our eyes and judge from our couches, there is at least one housemate reading our thoughts in confessional or - better - to that person's face. What's better? At least once a week we get to see every one of the housemates suffer in some ridiculous but inconsequential way. It's addictive.

My personal favourite part of the show, however, is the quirky normal person: Ragan.

(I just learned his name this week - apparently most of America enjoys him as well because they chose him as the Saboteur... though I'm not entirely sure what that means...). The sole reason I have jumped on the Ragan bus is from one of the first challenges. Sadly I couldn't find a picture, but four teams had to tape someone to a wall and then other teams tried to shoot water with them to make them fall. I thought this was more hilarious than most and Ragan read my mind and quipped: "Just another Saturday night for me". BAHAHAHA. Ok, you might not think it's as funny as I do, but he stole my heart, and up until I learned his name this week, I called him "Just another Saturday night guy".
......I hope nobody read this expecting me to be cool.

All in all, Big Brother has the formula down. They catch you, they annoy you, and they drag you back in. Beware!

housewifery, mexican style

Just as an appendix, here is tonight's dinner. Be jealous.

cooking with cricket

The only time I have ever held any interest in cooking is with this little lady here:
Her name is Cricket and she actually looked EXACTLY as she does in this picture. You put tapes in her and do crazy things as she talks through the tapes. I don't remember what most of those things were, but one of them was cooking. I had Cricket brand cooking utensils too. I don't remember cooking anything, but I do remember really loving going through the Cricket recipe book.

Why am I telling you about this doll and her cookbook? Well, my friends, until today, Cricket's recipes are the only recipes I have ever deigned to IMAGINE myself cooking. Today, however, I accomplished a real meal - much bigger than yesterday's accomplishment of a perfectly timed frozen pizza.

My first order of business was finding a recipe I could make with what I already had, so I input my "ingredients" on www.allrecipes.com and it led me to this recipe: Mozzarella Mushroom Chicken.

The first step of making this recipe was nothing short of traumatizing: Not only did I have to handle gross raw chicken, but I had to handle TEN gross raw chicken breasts and individually wrap them from the family pack. (It's very important to mention here how extremely disgusted I tend to be by meat, even when fully cooked, including chicken breast and the strange goopy and floppy bits it can involve). The first mountain to conquer:

Please notice how delighted and attractive I am to be embarking upon the task.






My first attempt at separating the surprisingly solid flesh poultry was more like tapping with a knife and, obviously unsuccessful.





Finally I got up the guts to touch the stuff and groped the crap out of those breasts to still no avail.



Finally, after consulting the experts (Daisy), a combination of cold water and groping and crying and stabbing did the trick and finally they were free! (And I was free to scrub the counter, the sink, and my hands while preventing vomit)
Finally free to ignore the chicken for a bit (during Phase One: Refrigerator of defrosting, but that's another story) I worked on what I know best: Cheese.

There being nothing disgusting about cheese I prettied up and relaxed for the task, taking my time with my surprisingly efficient Ikea hand grater thing. (This isn't a commercial. I actually can't believe how quickly it grates SO much cheese). And, of course, sampled a fair bit myself. 

In the meantime, other things happened, and I'm sure that both you and I are happy they were not photographed in such detail. Before long, though, my preparation was complete - onions and mushroom were chopped, rice was ready to be steamed, all that good stuff. (Look how neat I am even when cooking!! How did this happen?!)

And my chicken was on the stove. Now I'm not sure if the pan I used is a skillet like it's supposed to be, but 'Tale told me it was, so blame him. My chicken was a BIT burnt, but that's just because I have a new sworn hypothetical enemy (along with perishables): undercooked meat. (It's hypothetical because it hasn't actually done me wrong.....YET).

After the chicken seemed satisfyingly nonthreatening, things got busy.

And finally came together to result in this, aesthetically unpleasing display:

Sitting down behind it, I wondered if I would eat it, were it made by someone else. The rice (and butter) definitely seemed appealing. The mushrooms and onions would draw me in (and any mention of "mozzarella"), but I wasn't sure about the chicken - it took some moral effort and faith (in myself). I pushed through what I thought might be stringy and gross, and through what I wasn't sure was mushroom or chicken. And.......

(maaaaan I'm so good looking lol)

I LIKED IT. 

Weird, huh?

what i've learned so far: week one

So I've been in Vancouver since July 31st, and I've actually only been alone since Wednesday, but it feels as though it's been a long time. It also feels as though I've learned a bit about myself, especially since I've been so cognizant of my mental health situation through it all.

What I've Learned So Far:

• I can find things to do BY myself and FOR myself to make sure I don't fall into sadness and/or to bring myself out of it. No internet required! 
• I feel happier when I am clean and even wear make up and do my hair. (wtf?!). 
• I feel more comfortable in my apartment when it is not cluttered and the kitchen is clean. 
• I think it is reasonable to do my laundry after a week. 
• THUS I'm starting to understand why people think clean spaces and make up and stuff is important.
• When I have too much sugar and grease and stuff, I feel like crap and can fix it by eating a lot more fruit and veggies, and drinking a lot of water. 
• Variety is a good thing. Too much of one show or activity can make your mind explode. An intermingling of video games, productivity, tv, movies, music, and the computer (though none of those things sound like I should be doing them lol) work better.

Frankly this is all very weird, and none of it sounds like me. Let's not pretend, though, that I haven't been pestering my friends on my phone and stuff like that too. However I don't feel that clawing need like I have before, which is weird. Maybe it's because my meds have reached OCD-fighting status? (sounds like a video game accomplishment lol). We shall see.

Other than all those things, I've just been setting up my apartment and all that. It's pretty rockin and I intend to make a video tour once my internet is consistently on board. AND I'm going to a PARTY tomorrow :O!! I'm pretty excited about it.

ps. I'm also pretty excited that I'm starting to get random comments from largely anonymous peeps. It's ok to sign your name if you wish! I won't bite :).