bad blogger, very very bad blogger

So hello again friends.

I disappeared, and I'm sorry.
I believe if is because the point of this blog is about my adventure in the 'real world' and I'm pretty sure I haven't acted like I'm in the real world lately. Cleaning has occurred only in dire situations. Cooking has ONLY involved pasta. No vegetables. Seriously. Any vegetables I purchased in good faith went bad before I touched them, and then they remained in my fridge until that dire cleaning that was previously mentioned. Also, for the most part (especially November), I was exceptionally anti-social and even an ambivalent student. In October I was slightly social, especially around my birthday. Some really cool things happened, but really I've been stagnant for a long time. Oh, and does it even need to be said that I haven't been to the gym since August?

So what happened?

In some cases, there was struggle with my mood. I've been doing good things for it though, but it's annoying that it hasn't been as stable as I'd really like it to be. My life is clearly reflecting a balance issue that I haven't been able to get back in order since the end of August. I have REALLY high hopes for January, I just have to keep pushing myself tonight to keep cleaning and I will really be able to start over when I get back. Hopefully I'll come back calm, satisfied, and refreshed. I'll be sad to be away from friends and family again but I will feel motivated to live a quality life again.

Hopefully.

What I could have been writing about were my classes! I'm pretty disappointed that I didn't include that here for the first semester because, looking back, the growth was really interesting. Around the end of October I believe I started to feel burnt out about it, and really discouraged. Almost all of the material felt a bit too challenging and I started to neglect my readings and dread going to some classes. This is especially for my Critical Race Theory course; it was just so intimidating especially because it was geared for PhD students that I felt very avoidant about engaging with the course. Towards the middle of November, though, it felt as though something suddenly clicked, I started (re-)falling in love with my courses and enjoyed what I was doing. I'm glad that was my ending impression because it makes me really excited to see what next semester will bring. I also feel more prepared for that burn-out period.

For the last week I've done something even cooler, though!

Monday I handed in my last assignment and started the Instructional Skills Workshop for Grad Students! It went on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and it was just SO inspiring! We got to really practice new and exciting teaching techniques and get such valuable feedback. The information felt very complementary to leadership training too. I loved it. I can't express that enough! After it was over, the facilitators said that they are recommending me to the department to get an interview so that I can maybe be a facilitator next year! Man I'd love that.

I also want, more than anything, to be a TA.

PLUS I FINALLY GOT SOME OF MY SSHRC MONDAY TODAY!!!!! WOOOO! More on that later.

Anyway, I suppose that is more than sufficiently long. I'm pretty sure I'm flying back to Ontario tomorrow :). I'm so excited!!! I wish everyone was.

<3

perspective

Hey all. Thought I'd check in even though I don't feel as though I have anything significant to post on.

First of all, I'm pretty excited about this: http://blog.students.ubc.ca/careerservices/2010/09/22/lessons-in-leadership/ As Student Leaders for Career Days we were asked to submit a blog post if we wanted. And hey! There I am :). It's pretty cool to be posted on something more likely to be viewed.

I am also thinking about submitting a workshop proposal for UBC's leadership conference! I would absolutely love to be involved in it, so I'm trying to think of a good thing to put forth. I'm thinking maybe even along the same lines of what was in my blog post... because really I am (or was?) one of those unlikely leaders that needed to learn that it really was for everyone.

Or something.

Pretty cool things are happening in general though, and it's all pretty neat. I have to make sure I stop and realize it all, because I'm putting a lot of focus on the negative lately and letting it drag me down. I think. It's also dragging the rest of my life down with it. You should SEE my apartment! And I haven't done a proper dish washing in weeks (resorting instead to just washing the dishes I want to use). I also haven't gone to the gym since I went home in August.

That is ALL going to change this week though. Need to end September with awesomeness (I think a month of dragging my ass and being borderline emo is quite enough time) so that October - my FAVOURITE month! - is amazing like it should be. Plus I need to prepare myself for my last year before I'm 25!

I'm so cool.

Also, I'm pretty sure my parents and Todd and 'Tale are coming up the weekend before my birthday!!! So I want everything to be perfect for when they get here plus me in happy order :). YAY!

That's all.

the dream that you wish will come true

Very strange life. The day after I made the "I Want" list, including a want for SSHRC to write itself and for me to have some extra money for things, I got a crazy e-mail.

They chose my SSHRC application from the alternates :|.

This means, that I have suddenly been chosen for a scholarship!! And not only do I not have to write a new application anymore, but I have suddenly earned $17500.

WHAT?!?!?!?!


My life is so weird sometimes. I'm so freaking excited though! And my Curriculum Vitae is still recovering from the Awards-related orgasm.
Things are coming up Jennifer!!

now and then: i want

So I googled myself, and I'm very google-able, and I found my OLD blogger. What was most interesting was the list of what I wanted at the time... May 2005. What a major MAJOR difference: not only does it say I want to get married, but it says I want ROMANCE.

Vomit.

Anyway, it inspired an up-to-date "I Want" list:

I Want... (2010)
A clean apartment
To eat healthily
To work out
To do all my readings
A vacuum
A file cabinet.
An MA
A PhD
To be published
Great marks
SSHRC to write itself
...*ahem*...*wink*...
Jeans that fit
Dress pants that fit
Vancouver friends
The ideal man to fall into my life with no catch
Someone to discuss my class learning with
To use words out loud with friends
My friends to love me
Unlimited long distance
Free time
Balance
To be a super keener
Leadership opportunities
Tons of Imagine That contracts
Public speaking lessons
To be bilingual with French
Actual income from my many jobs
Money that doesn't have to go to groceries
A puppy of my own
My dishes to do themselves
A dishwasher
Hugs
To be the ultimate multi-tasker
To be a leader in the field of ECE
A reset to what 2005 me thought was fat (lol)
Independence

(See the link for what I used to want)

imagine

So it took me a while to get back. A lot of stuff happened between then and now, and it's almost, again, one of those situations where by this time I can say "yadda yadda yadda shit happened but it's okay now".

I don't know if it's okay now, in my life.
Sometimes I think it is, that I'm calm and happy and all that business. But looking around my apartment, and especially in my sink, it definitely doesn't look like it. And sometimes it still does reflect some inner turmoil, and I wish I could just get that shit back together. It would have been nice to have kept riding that calm right up to when school started so I can just start adding more things to balance, instead of starting from scratch.

But what can ya do, right? Gotta work with what you have.


In other news, I absolutely LOVE everything about school having started.

Imagine UBC Day was such an interesting experience to observe! It was one of those days that I've heard about at so many different schools: different faculties dress in their colour and chant things about how awesome they are when they encounter other faculty groups. If you follow my twitter, you might have also seen a whole bunch of engineers playing some game with a 5 foot tall soccer ball. Insanity.

My Imagine UBC Day was exactly what I wanted my UBC experience to be.

The morning was spent giving out bookmarks to students, encouraging them to drink lemonade, and advertising for the UBC Trek Program. I LOVE working at tables. I got to interact with so many different UBC students; I was funny, energetic, flirty even. In other words, I leadershipped the shit out of it! It was an amazing feeling :). After that I headed to the Career Services Table and started all over again. The goal here wasn't lemonade but was to get people over to the table, at which the most exciting part was they could dress up as their future career (be it a doctor or bear) and take a picture. I really enjoyed the challenge of it all - it's a lot harder to get people to do goofy stuff than drink lemonade, and it worked :). I love doing those things SO much, and I don't even know why. It's exhausting and, for the most part, annoys people. I guess what I love about it is the challenge to do it effectively WITHOUT annoying people. If it were a career, I would have a really stacked resumé for it.

The FINAL part of the day was the obvious: my class!

That was a rush too! (despite my INTENSE exhaustion by this point). It was a nice course to start my Masters career with: Review of Research in Early Childhood Education. I was able to contribute intelligently, was enthusiastic about participating (probably left over from all the enthusiasm of the day), and made a good connection with the prof and some classmates ("colleagues" is what they call them). In fact, I might have even recruited someone for Imagine That haha! In general, though, I'm just so excited to have made it here. In my VERY first month of Brock, my Don did a goals program, which caused me to write on a die-cut shape "MA in ECE at UBC" and stick in on her wall. There's nothing about me that can believe that I actually made it here from that bright-eyed first year goal.

All in all, the coolest thing I've got from being a Masters student, is everybody's emphasis on how we're becoming strong leaders in the ECE field... working towards being "experts" in the field (especially if we continue to PhD). It's such an awesome feeling, I don't feel like I'm in over my head and I don't feel out of place alongside people a lot older than me. I can't wait to keep learning :).

Man, I love it.

SO MUCH.

balancing, act-free

I guess the residual theme that has stayed with me since Eat Pray Love, is the importance of "balance". I'm not going to lie: balance has never been important to me, which is good because it has been so elusive from my grasp for the entire first 23 years and 9 months of my life. Doctors say this is me having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I think it's weird to say that because I feel as though saying "I have OCD" is interpreted as just a melodramatic self-interpretation of quirks, but it's a medical opinion, I promise. This has resulted in my newest dose of medication, and now I finally have a way to start battling it!! Frankly, until it started working, I didn't really mind it.

Zero into NOW: Week by week, my life has started forming some of its own balance, with no extra effort or determination. It feels so far from throwing myself into big plans, then throwing myself into laziness, lather, rinse, repeat. I clean when it needs it, I workout without obsession, I cook for fun, play games/watch TV when I feel like it, etc, etc, etc. I don't overeat. I can have e-conversations with my friends without needing to fill the electronic silence characteristic of texting and msning. And it's so weird that it just kind of all happened on its own: this is no balancing act. This is just balance. Like real people; like the people they talk about in the first paragraph of 7 Habits for Highly Effective Teens (I've been envious of them since I read that book as am eager 15 year old).

The best part about it, is that this balance feels so carefree. 

(Visual representation of carefree balance)

When I go nuts trying to achieve this kind of life, the juggling balls inevitably collapse in on me and leave me with two black eyes. But this time I'm not juggling, I don't need to physically juggle; if anything, I'm using The Force. So watch your shit.

;) Jay/Kay

eatpraylove? or whatever...

When I picked up the book Eat Pray Love about a year ago, I discarded it. A review I just read (and quickly lost the link) said it perfectly: You pick it up knowing it has a happy ending. Someone like me puts it back down.

I wanted to see the movie, though, because I'm okay with the shiny, happy endings staying in movies where they belong, and I wanted to know what actually happened in the book. I expected to like the movie, which I did. What I didn't expect was the bit of inspiration I got from it. I wouldn't say it changed my life, because it didn't; the three things she learned to do (I bet you can deduce what they are) are not things I'm really interested in achieving. I'm not interested in learning prayer or faith, I'm a LONG way from being ready to learn to love (profound, I know), and I'm pretty sure we all know I don't need to learn to eat.

What I did learn was in the final voice over soliloquy by Julia Roberts.

I felt like she was saying exactly what I needed to hear. Man I tried hard to memorized even the key words of what she said, but failed miserably. The overall message, though, was that spending time with yourself, leaving your world behind, can be such a growing experience. That it's how you learn to be your own person, be your own best friend, and find... well the soliloquy I'm pretty sure said the "your truth". This term is so ambiguous and its wording renders me ambivalent - I'm not much for the "t" word. If you think of it as your personal truth, however, one that differs from anyone else's, I can stomach it. I can even be enthused about it.

What it means for me is how to be happy as my own person without being as dependent on my friends as I am, as hopeless as I feel, and as... empty I can feel in those moments. That being by myself can be as fulfilling as anything else.

Or something.

But Eat Pray Love? That's how she got there. Here I am on my own, leaving my life behind me, maybe forging my own life, but do I need my own three stepping stones?

Or am I just jumping on the EPL bandwagon of people who are likely rushing to their travel agents (I think that's what people use?) to book trips to at least one of the beautifully advertised exotic locales? I guess it doesn't matter either way, it just serves as another good push for me to thrive out here instead of curl into the fetal position cradling my Blackberry. The latter will still happen once in a while, and I have the most amazing friends on the end of the line willing to humour me ♥, and hopefully I always will hahaha, but also I hope (and I'm sure they agree) that the need will decrease as I get more comfortable and spend more quality time with myself.

We'll see.

why do i watch this crap?: big brother

So finally I come back to the WDIWTC concept. It hasn't been forgotten - I just haven't felt enough inspiration to return to it, despite a good number of episodes of Toddlers in Tiaras or even the consideration of catching the new deep, meaningful classic Bachelor Pad. Inspiration finally came to me during the finale of So You Think You Can Dance - a show that I do not consider crap - during which, I am ashamed to say, the thought of what might be going on in the Big Brother house has crossed my mind. This thought, of course, is followed quickly by, what on Earth is wrong with me?!, thus birthing this exact blog post.

why i've ended up watching it
I'm going to have to blame my parents again here, kind of, though we haven't ever really watched it together. It seemed to mostly serve as the replacement for The Bachelorette and whatever other reality shows ended around the time it began. It just sort of, well, happened. That's probably its evil plan...

what i don't like about it
I don't even feel as though I have the energy to write this section - I feel like this is more of a rhetorical question. Maybe it's hard to put into words because there's no blaringly obvious reason why it should be hated - aside from its very nature. Everything in the Why I Like It section could be found here (except for Ragan) - thus the ambivalence. Not to mention, everyone dislikes it for different reasons - different housemates rub different viewers the wrong way.
I suppose some people are okay with screechy girls who sound like they're constantly trying - and failing - to act, or wimpy, deluded, pseudo-hotshots who errantly refer to themselves as "the brain" in their wannabe macho dream-team alliance. The greatest thing about the things I dislike about the show, however, is that they compel me to watch even more. What I wouldn't give to see Matt kicked off that show with his head hanging once everyone gets onto his shit.
Etc. Etc. Etc.

what i do like about it
In all honesty, I don't think I have much of an excuse for this one. This show seems to cause ambivalent curiosity for even the biggest trash-tv naysayers. Cynical people (I won't out anyone here) with whom I've sat down in front of the show have begun by judgement and ridicule, but have since texted me with reports on the drama, and clearly know the characters' names much better than I do. How does this happen?! It may be the vague sexual content, it may be the beautiful people (or a combination of the two), and maybe they've just got the monopoly on the best Reality TV casters to create the best combination of drama queens, quirky normal people, meat heads, delusionals, hippies, girls-and-boys of the next door variety, and middle aged do-gooder. The result: just about everyone can be simultaneously annoyed and entertained, can find their would-be best friends and enemies alike. What is probably the biggest draw of the show as a concept is probably that for every part that makes us roll our eyes and judge from our couches, there is at least one housemate reading our thoughts in confessional or - better - to that person's face. What's better? At least once a week we get to see every one of the housemates suffer in some ridiculous but inconsequential way. It's addictive.

My personal favourite part of the show, however, is the quirky normal person: Ragan.

(I just learned his name this week - apparently most of America enjoys him as well because they chose him as the Saboteur... though I'm not entirely sure what that means...). The sole reason I have jumped on the Ragan bus is from one of the first challenges. Sadly I couldn't find a picture, but four teams had to tape someone to a wall and then other teams tried to shoot water with them to make them fall. I thought this was more hilarious than most and Ragan read my mind and quipped: "Just another Saturday night for me". BAHAHAHA. Ok, you might not think it's as funny as I do, but he stole my heart, and up until I learned his name this week, I called him "Just another Saturday night guy".
......I hope nobody read this expecting me to be cool.

All in all, Big Brother has the formula down. They catch you, they annoy you, and they drag you back in. Beware!

housewifery, mexican style

Just as an appendix, here is tonight's dinner. Be jealous.

cooking with cricket

The only time I have ever held any interest in cooking is with this little lady here:
Her name is Cricket and she actually looked EXACTLY as she does in this picture. You put tapes in her and do crazy things as she talks through the tapes. I don't remember what most of those things were, but one of them was cooking. I had Cricket brand cooking utensils too. I don't remember cooking anything, but I do remember really loving going through the Cricket recipe book.

Why am I telling you about this doll and her cookbook? Well, my friends, until today, Cricket's recipes are the only recipes I have ever deigned to IMAGINE myself cooking. Today, however, I accomplished a real meal - much bigger than yesterday's accomplishment of a perfectly timed frozen pizza.

My first order of business was finding a recipe I could make with what I already had, so I input my "ingredients" on www.allrecipes.com and it led me to this recipe: Mozzarella Mushroom Chicken.

The first step of making this recipe was nothing short of traumatizing: Not only did I have to handle gross raw chicken, but I had to handle TEN gross raw chicken breasts and individually wrap them from the family pack. (It's very important to mention here how extremely disgusted I tend to be by meat, even when fully cooked, including chicken breast and the strange goopy and floppy bits it can involve). The first mountain to conquer:

Please notice how delighted and attractive I am to be embarking upon the task.






My first attempt at separating the surprisingly solid flesh poultry was more like tapping with a knife and, obviously unsuccessful.





Finally I got up the guts to touch the stuff and groped the crap out of those breasts to still no avail.



Finally, after consulting the experts (Daisy), a combination of cold water and groping and crying and stabbing did the trick and finally they were free! (And I was free to scrub the counter, the sink, and my hands while preventing vomit)
Finally free to ignore the chicken for a bit (during Phase One: Refrigerator of defrosting, but that's another story) I worked on what I know best: Cheese.

There being nothing disgusting about cheese I prettied up and relaxed for the task, taking my time with my surprisingly efficient Ikea hand grater thing. (This isn't a commercial. I actually can't believe how quickly it grates SO much cheese). And, of course, sampled a fair bit myself. 

In the meantime, other things happened, and I'm sure that both you and I are happy they were not photographed in such detail. Before long, though, my preparation was complete - onions and mushroom were chopped, rice was ready to be steamed, all that good stuff. (Look how neat I am even when cooking!! How did this happen?!)

And my chicken was on the stove. Now I'm not sure if the pan I used is a skillet like it's supposed to be, but 'Tale told me it was, so blame him. My chicken was a BIT burnt, but that's just because I have a new sworn hypothetical enemy (along with perishables): undercooked meat. (It's hypothetical because it hasn't actually done me wrong.....YET).

After the chicken seemed satisfyingly nonthreatening, things got busy.

And finally came together to result in this, aesthetically unpleasing display:

Sitting down behind it, I wondered if I would eat it, were it made by someone else. The rice (and butter) definitely seemed appealing. The mushrooms and onions would draw me in (and any mention of "mozzarella"), but I wasn't sure about the chicken - it took some moral effort and faith (in myself). I pushed through what I thought might be stringy and gross, and through what I wasn't sure was mushroom or chicken. And.......

(maaaaan I'm so good looking lol)

I LIKED IT. 

Weird, huh?

what i've learned so far: week one

So I've been in Vancouver since July 31st, and I've actually only been alone since Wednesday, but it feels as though it's been a long time. It also feels as though I've learned a bit about myself, especially since I've been so cognizant of my mental health situation through it all.

What I've Learned So Far:

• I can find things to do BY myself and FOR myself to make sure I don't fall into sadness and/or to bring myself out of it. No internet required! 
• I feel happier when I am clean and even wear make up and do my hair. (wtf?!). 
• I feel more comfortable in my apartment when it is not cluttered and the kitchen is clean. 
• I think it is reasonable to do my laundry after a week. 
• THUS I'm starting to understand why people think clean spaces and make up and stuff is important.
• When I have too much sugar and grease and stuff, I feel like crap and can fix it by eating a lot more fruit and veggies, and drinking a lot of water. 
• Variety is a good thing. Too much of one show or activity can make your mind explode. An intermingling of video games, productivity, tv, movies, music, and the computer (though none of those things sound like I should be doing them lol) work better.

Frankly this is all very weird, and none of it sounds like me. Let's not pretend, though, that I haven't been pestering my friends on my phone and stuff like that too. However I don't feel that clawing need like I have before, which is weird. Maybe it's because my meds have reached OCD-fighting status? (sounds like a video game accomplishment lol). We shall see.

Other than all those things, I've just been setting up my apartment and all that. It's pretty rockin and I intend to make a video tour once my internet is consistently on board. AND I'm going to a PARTY tomorrow :O!! I'm pretty excited about it.

ps. I'm also pretty excited that I'm starting to get random comments from largely anonymous peeps. It's ok to sign your name if you wish! I won't bite :).

neglect

I hate Blog neglect. The silliest part is that it usually happens during the most emotional whirlwind of times, only to post a month later and say "yadda yadda this happened but it's not a big deal I'm over it now", when at the time it was a huge deal.

It's annoying and neglects the truth of how I felt for that while and the hypothetical curious reader who misses a chunk of the story. Though that's assuming a lot. Either way, it's about to happen, so try not to be too frustrated.



The last month has been very VERY up and down. I have felt a lot of love from friends, which has been so helpful. Despite it all I have been so sad at times: leaving related and not.

Sometimes it's existential crises about being damaged and all that silly *angst* that comes with being me. I put them down, but in the midst they are so serious for me. So I've been taking baby steps (and I mean tiny TINY steps) to feel better about that stuff on the whole. Most of it involves silly books that I only take seriously on occasion, but I'm also doing other important stuff, like ensuring I have professional support here (though I'm only here for the next 6 days) and at school. And through it I've had caring friends - who care TOO much <3 - and really that's the part that's meant the most for me.

Other times, of course, there's the leaving-related roller coaster that I'm still stuck on. Like most roller coasters though, it's mostly terrifying whips around that leave me clinging to whatever I can hold on to. This is too much change in one fell swoop. I'm leaving people, and a culture, and a routine, and a ... safety I guess. I'm going to start in a new province, in a new lifestyle of my own apartment, at a new school, at a new level of education, in a new type of job.

But I suppose people do that every day... though ideally, and in my usual world, they have that Don (or whomever) there to hold their hands through it. All of my hand-holding will be done electronically. That's, I guess, what I'm most worried about. But I think that's something I've said all along. The hugs, that kind of thing. That's not news. But as it gets closer to the time I have to leave (SIX FUCKING DAYS) the panic gets so much stronger.

Hopefully the benefits will outweigh the losses.

cling

It's July. This is the month I leave. I leave THIS MONTH. I don't want to: I feel desperate. I feel like I need to desperately cling to my friends, spend as much time as possible. I feel like in some cases, though, that's not so easy. There's not enough time. People have their own things going on. I work suddenly.

But I'm clawing for it, but at the same time feel like I need to be silent about it. I don't want to impose, I don't want to be turned down and hurt, I don't want to seem clingy. I am though, because I'm so scared. I'm scared of being isolated in a place while trying desperately to stay connected to my home friends who are too busy with their home life. I'm afraid of getting hurt AND being isolated. Simultaneously.

I feel like it's a bad combination. Especially for me.

So I guess I feel clingy now because maybe if I store up enough time before I go, I'll feel less desperate while I'm there. I guess I expect to get some peace from that, and feel comfortable stepping completely and utterly out of my comfort zone.

It's overwhelming and I don't know what to do about it.

I wish it weren't already July...

down to the wire

So here we are, about five weeks before I have to leave. I'm not going to talk about the emotional-ness associated with it just yet and stick to the logistics.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO :|
I have no idea how I'm going to get everything done, and even more so I have no idea how I'm going to get the motivation to do everything I need to do. But, for now, here is a to-do list.


To Do Before Leaving:

• Finalize leaving date!!!!
• Organize clothes
• Pack clothes
• Sort kitchen stuff
• Pack kitchen stuff
• Find and order a mattress at a decent price
• Look into shipping costs for mildly big things
• Apparently try to find a job for 5 weeks 
• ...who knows. I feel like there is so so SO much more to do to prepare to leave but it's impossible! I have no money or... I don't know. I don't know how to figure out how to get ready for living across the country :S. 

Sigh, I'm pretty overwhelmed. I don't know what to do...

i think i can

So apparently this job dream is a true story. I will essentially be coordinating a new business in Vancouver. I'm gaining more and more confidence in my ability to do it, I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm not a kid with expendable income just working to keep her parents happy anymore. I shall have an adult job with business responsibilities.

BUSINESS responsibilities?! Did I EVER think I would be having business responsibilities?!?

I can picture it happening though. The nerd in me pictures the charts and the files necessary for good matches, the neat conversations with parents and staff, and even going back to my Don skills to deal with a complaint. It's EXCITING. I just have to keep reminding myself I'm completely capable of doing it. It's almost like an internalized ageism thing. It's like sometimes I think I can't do it just because of my age, but that's ridiculous. Positive thinking is half the work :).

What sucks the most, kind of, is that I will probably be going two weeks earlier than expected. Technically they'd love to start the service July 1st, but that's impossible for me. I will be going around the 18th probably (Bill and I still have to work out the details) in order to start coordinating interviews and orientation for staff. The cool thing is that they're going to cover my living expenses for those two weeks since my lease doesn't start until August 1st.

This is the real world.


In other news, I'm super excited that my Grad party is tomorrow!!! I'm really sad 'Tale won't be able to be there, Daisy too, but it's still going to be awesome. It's kind of weird - for most people it'll be my good bye party too! It feels all too fast. I can't even afford furniture yet! I picture myself in my bachelor apartment with hardwood floors, wall to wall windows, surrounded by suitcases and sleeping on piles of laundry when I'm not hunched over my laptop on the floor in one corner. Or on my cell phone dealing with CLIENTS!!!!

Eek.

extremes

So Tuesday morning I was extremely unemployed. To be honest, I'm still extremely unemployed at this point and time. Tuesday afternoon, I reluctantly dragged myself to a job interview for a Child Care Provider position with an on-call high class child care service. When I sat down for the interview, though, the man said he was really excited about my resume (p.s. my resume rocks, just saying. I ♥ resumes :)) and the fact that I'm going to Vancouver; he wants me to essentially launch the service in Vancouver as the coordinator :|. This would involve hiring staff, connecting staff with clients, taking complaints, everything. It's absolutely insane. On Thursday I'll be meeting with a whole bunch of the other people from the company to ensure that this is the right fit, and if all goes well, that's what I'll be doing as soon as I get out to Vancouver.

Can you believe that?! This only happens in my delusions of grandeur!


I'm a little bit iffy about it being a for-profit service. I am, however, going to be responsible for the quality of my staff, etc. and so I feel good being able to ensure quality for the children this service would serve. I'm really quite excited about it. This is another thing, though, that I'm worried will be taken away as quickly as it was given.

I'm getting more and more confident, though, that I can do this job. I can take complaints and help find solutions, I can ensure quality staff and service, I can coordinate staff and client needs. I can read people. I LOVE reading people.

I can do this.


Probably.

happy birthday, mommy!

Today, Saturday, June 12th, is my beautiful mom's birthday, and this post is dedicated to her.

My mom is by far one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. My entire life she has taught us about the simple value of doing nice things for others. Whether she was putting anonymous birthday balloons on front doors, handing out candy canes to neighbourhood kids, bringing coffee to neighbourhood teachers on the last night of summer, or hosting a mini adult booth during halloween, I have spent my entire life witnessing my mom doing nice things for the people in our community. She has always, always, always gone above and beyond for every person she meets, let alone the people she lives among.

One of my favourite of these times happened at a hockey game. There was this wonderful woman selling beer, and a lot of people were snickering because they were unsure if she was a woman or a man. My wonderful mom, however, started one of those epic conversations she tends to have with strangers. Turns out this happy, boisterous woman has a 10ish year old daughter who is a brilliant entrepreneur: she has started a small business that raises money for a good cause and her mother uses the tips she earns to help fund her daughter's business. I think that's the story anyway. Either way, my likeable, personable mother became such quick friends with this woman and said a warm goodbye towards the end of the game. After they parted, however, my mom returned to her and tipped her an extra twenty dollars. It may seem small, but it was so special to that woman.

Mom is always so willing to recognize where she can share her privilege with people who might need it.

Knowing this, it might be obvious that she is also such a caring, giving person to us: her family. My mother consistently (and I mean CONSISTENTLY) puts all five of us (animals included) before herself. The last to sit down, the last to eat, the last to relax, my mom is like a bee buzzing around to make sure we are all taken care of, despite her sore back and her own needs. It is always very clear that we are her life. She's not only a great mom, but our whole lives she has been working so hard to try to be the best for us. She is always trying to figure out the best way to connect with us, the things she'd like for us to learn, and wonderful things to do with us. What I love most, however, is the way we've been able to connect as friends now that I am older. My favourite times lately have been being able to have really interesting conversations about intelligent things with her. I love that we can talk about human rights and discrimination, current events, anything really, because my mom is actually quite brilliant. She's taught me the most through those talks - when she didn't even think she was.

She has been the best example that any of us could ever have dreamed of, and the saddest part is that she doesn't even know it. She is so hard on herself and doesn't understand all of the amazing ways she has shaped our lives, and the lives of people she hardly knows. I love my mom so much. She is a hilarious, smart, empathetic, giving, strong person who can talk to anyone, and I wish she knew it as much as I do. She deserves the world.

And, of course, can you believe she's 59 today?! 

♥ ♥ Happy Birthday, Mom! ♥ ♥

five letters

The last 48 hours have been extremely graduation-focused. Yesterday we trekked up to Brock for the Graduation dinner. I wasn't extremely sure what the dinner was for, but I knew no one I talked to knew what the heck I was talking about. Turns out it was an extension of the celebration for people who received medals, so that was pretty cool!! I didn't know a soul there except my family and the cafeteria staff, but it was really cool to have dinner with the Dean who would give me my medal, not to mention to return to LOWENBERGER. It was REALLY cool because there was an open bar, so I got to drink in the Berg Cafeteria! (I know, I kind of need a life). See how my dad's name tag if you look closely says "Guest of Jennifer Moule". nbd. 

This morning I woke up and put on MORE make up (that was a lot of make up for two days) and got ready to GRADUATE :D. It was kind of a long and awkward ordeal for pre-graduation, and I made a promise that I would actually make friends in my classes next year, if only so I know people at graduation. It was so awesome to come into the gym - not only were my parents in VIP but I was sitting right at the end (by fluke) that was right by them! Getting my degree was really cool, also nice to hear "first class standing" after my name. I got a cool extra yellow rope hanging from my neck indicating the first class thing. Then after I got my degree, which was exciting in itself, I had to sit somewhere different with two other girls until I was called up to get my medal. It was really exciting, and a lot of people came up to me with congratulations afterwards.

I think the post-grad situation was my favourite part, actually. My parents and I chose the degree/photo frames I would be getting, and got some pictures with profs. They said some really really nice things to my parents about me :). I feel bad that I'm not sticking around at Brock, because working with Rebecca and just being in the atmosphere of Brock's CHYS program is something that I know would be amazing. I'm afraid UBC won't be open to the kind of stuff I want to do.

I'm so excited to finally have my first degree. I am half way done the accumulation of letters after my name: Jennifer Moule, E.C.E., B.A.. Five out of ten so far :) very exciting! Then of course I had to go over to Lowenberger for one last visit:

Thanks for stopping by :).

why do i watch this crap?: the bachelorette

I've decided that being bored and jobless has resulted in two things (aside from the assumed pseudo-poverty, loneliness, and "no good" reputation): I watch a lot of mostly stupid TV and I want to blog always. Oh, and that I have very little to actually blog about, so three things. Either way, this led to the 2 am conclusion that an occasional part of my blog will be entries called "why do i watch this crap?" (for some reason I like to boycott capitals in my titles), and what better way to start that off than talking about The Bachelorette.

why i've ended up watching it

For some reason, since last summer, The Bachelorette has become a ritual for not only me and my family, but for Kay to come over as well. We spend every Monday night sitting in the general vicinity of this show, often rolling our eyes, while we secretly relish the deliciously formulated drama, emo sulking (often over a balcony railing), and fake giggling. Oh, and hot men of course. 

what i don't like about it

This show is by far the absolute top of my list of very stupid shows that I inexplicably watch, right above Toddlers in Tiaras. Though very (VERY) slightly less personally offending than The Bachelor, The Bachelorette stands for everything I'm against. Aside from the fact that its contestants(??) drop the F word ("forever") about a zillion times an episode, they spend the entirety of their on-air time trying to convince us that they think this TV show is not only a valid but an infallible avenue to true-love-and-happy-marriage. This not only strongly counters my belief that pretty much nothing results in the much hyped true-love-and-happy-marriage life, but also shocks me that The Bachelorette and her subjects don't vomit when they hear themselves say it, let alone each other. It sounds more like a big party of delusionals and pathological liars than suitors and their meat princess.

In all honesty, I could go on forever about why I strongly dislike The Bachelorette, from the very first obligatory suitor video-biography featuring his manliness, his dog, and his echoed story of falling in love with a manufactured character on the previous season of The Bachelor, to that same suitor's fit of rage/sorrow/assholeness as he doesn't receive The Rose. (The rose, by the way, that I bet most of them would have been too insecure to receive from a girl were they not on a TV show). In addition to its large serving of cheese is the, of course, blatant heterosexism and hegemonic masculinity blasted across the screen. (That's a line I should copy and paste for the next crappy TV show review, because, sadly, it rarely changes).

what i do like about it
It did take me a bit to try to figure out what I enjoy about The Bachelorette, and I have decided on two things (other than how much I enjoy a good critique): hot men, Canadiana.

As previously mentioned, I do appreciate the amount of attractive that is on this show. And Ali (seen above) does seem to find clever ways to get them mostly naked through promises of her love (or at least knowing their name). But really, you can find that most places on TV, and hopefully in less delusional men.

The show, especially last season, does seem to have a large portion of Canadian content. Last season, The Bachelorette herself was actually a Canadian, leading to a lot of the show actually being filmed in Canada! This season three of the guys have been Canadian, one of whom left early, and two of whom were immediately deemed the villains, which is interesting. On top of this, this week's episode's naked men featurette (cleverly disguised as "group dates" - if that isn't a day-time TV innuendo I don't know what is) was filming a Barenaked Ladies music video! I say kudos to BNL for shamelessly exploiting these Americans' true search for love as a plug for their new album and Canadian music.

It's gotta be good for something, right?

and then down again

Signing my lease was a very momentous occasion for me. It was my first lease ever - my first taste of that infamous and previously theoretical "real world" I've been blogging about. We finally heard back from the elusive Dante, the landlord for my hopeful place, on Saturday morning. He was all for signing me for the apartment, which was a relief. He said a lot about hoping for a quiet tenant, and I discovered that being an ex-Don does a lot for your credibility as a quality tenant.

At about 1PM we arrived back at the apartment building (occasionally referred to as Dante's Paradise because I'm just that cool) and met the real life Dante. He was super young, and super awesome, and super professional, and was wearing pink shoes. We went over the details and then I SIGNED THE LEASE!!!! He's going to e-mail me the dimensions of the apartment so I can start planning my decor :D. After taking some neighbourhood scenery pictures (to be posted at a later date), mom and I returned to the trendy neighbourhood shopping district and ate at Browns Social House.

This is when the enthusiasm transformed into emo. My very first thought in this restaurant/bar was I can't wait to bring Todd and 'Tale to this place, followed by the realization that, if at all, this will only happen once. I got so sad. I so badly want to deposit those two and many others into Vancouver. I feel like it's where I belong but I also don't feel like I belong anywhere without them. It is so, so bittersweet - emphasis on the bitter. I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it. I feel lonely when none of them are even online, what will I do when that's all I have?

time to experience... Dante's Paradise

Ok so the first virtual tour was interesting but turned out to be ultimately useless. As previously mentioned, LaDawn stepped into natural light and I realized our one night stand was maybe a mistake.

Feast your eyes instead on Dante's Paradise. A lovely building in the very hip Kitsilano neighbourhood, between the very hip 4th Avenue shopping district and the, of course, hip Kits beach. Why yes, I live by a beach... maybe I'll start sitting on a beach with at least my head uncovered by a towel. Who knows! The pictures that follow are not as good as the other place. They're for some reason not as good quality and the apartment isn't decorated as nicely, so use your imaginations.

Welcome to the virtual tour. When you enter this apartment, which is on the first floor but not on the ground floor, since it's on a hill and faces the MOUNTAINS, you can see the awesome new hardwood floor. You look to the left and see the first closet, which is a pretty decent size. Across the hall from the closet, on the right side when you walk into the apartment, is an interesting room. It's bigger than this picture tells. It would fit a queen size bed but with little room around it, if that helps, size-wise. In this room, with it's back to its wall, is the other closet which is bigger.

Once you pass the front entranceway, you see the large bathroom on the left after the closet. Everything in the bathroom is new, so it's nice it's a bigger room:

After that is the kitchen on the right side. It's quite a bit smaller than the other apartment but the appliances are just as good. The nicest thing about the kitchen is on the wall facing the windows. It has a cut out window looking into the main living area. It's really quite cool... you can't see it in this picture though lol. It's hard to see most of the kitchen because it's pretty small. The cupboards are newer though.

So that's the kitchen. After the kitchen is the main area. If you pass the kitchen you get to the area in which she kept her bed. There you can see the window from the kitchen, and the shelves above it.

When you turn to face the wall on the left, you can see it extends a bit longer, making room for a bigger bed or whatever I want, which is really nice. 

Then you turn further left and see just a part of the wall to wall, floor to ceiling windows and balcony. It's connected to others' balconies, but you can see that it's much further from the neighbours behind.

Then you turn further left and see her essentially completely unused area. I'd like it for a couch and television and all that. I haven't completely decided my usage of this space, but I'm really looking forward to figuring it all out. There are so many awesome possibilities!! (excuse Becca in the middle. This is not a very revealing picture either, but just use your imagination).

When you turn further left you see where she has her desk/kitchen table. The cool thing is that, since Becca was with us she knew to ask if the tenant had any furniture they would want to leave behind. She said she definitely wanted to leave behind the table. I'm thinking I might want to put it in the first room by the front door and use that as my office. I would need a lot of lighting, but could be very cool. 

That ends the apartment. It's important to realize that I didn't take great pictures because I didn't think I was taking the place. In fact, I was kind of grumpy that I was there at all. I can't wait to take even better pictures for everyone to see!! Especially after I decorate it :). 

To conclude the virtual tour, the following picture is important:

That's correct... if you look closely enough you'll notice that I live around the corner from a store called "Spank".

And that's all I have to say about that. Thanks for taking the tour! 

the dark side of LaDawn

I think I've changed my mind about the previously posted apartment lol. I went back there today and the caretaker we met this time was super sketchy. He kept making all these obviously fake promises and was very iffy. Also, it was a lot smaller than I remembered it.

It also reminded me that the place I saw yesterday was actually the same size, though I thought it was smaller. It was also in an absolutely amazing location. It's two blocks from the beach and two blocks from an awesome shopping district. It's also in really hip Kisilano and much closer to the school. What's cool about this place is that it has this cove room-type thing. I think I'm going to use it as my office/food prep/eating area, especially since the kitchen is a bit smaller.

The only problem so far is that we found the apartment through a girl who works at the pharmacy who is moving. Just an hour ago I finally got contact information for the landlord. I'm supposed to leave Vancouver at like 6am tomorrow. We might have to postpone the leaving, but I'm trying really hard to come home SOMETIME tomorrow because of Todd's birthday and because I'm supposed to be volunteering at the Pride Picnic on Sunday.

Bah.

Pictures when it's more certain lol.

LaDawn

I have finally found an apartment!! WOOOOOOO.

I will be living at LaDawn (hahaha) at 8739 Osler St!!! It is in Marpole area which isn't per se the hippest area but it's homey and I can walk to the things I need to and bus to the places I'd like to visit. It was a hard decision because today we saw another bachelor apartment. It was a lot smaller than the Osler place but it was in such a happening neighbourhood. It was hard to decide what was most important. I kind of like, though, that this place is kind of removed from the bustle. Also, this place is a lot closer to the family and community services I will want to volunteer, work, or study with.

WOO!!!

Anyway, feast your eyes on my lovely apartment. Some less favourable pictures of the other apartments are soon to follow.

LaDawn in all her glory.

Granted, the outside (if you can tell) looks kind of tacky and very 80's. 

See also my apartment from the outside:

It is the top floor of three floors, so it is that top balcony! It's lovely because it's not fully covered which will be nice in the sun, though not great in the rain. But still awesome. It also faces North so it'll never have too much or too little sun :).  

These inner pictures will be a replica of my future apartment. Unfortunately I couldn't see my actual apartment but this is exactly the same. I also love how the resident of this one decorated hers. She was wicked and she'll be my underneath neighbour. I will also be living right beside the caretaker so I'll be nice and secluded with no noisy neighbours beside or above me. 

When you first enter the apartment, this closet, one of TWO big closets, is on the left (I think) and the bathroom is on the right. The bathroom isn't huge, but there is such amazing closet space and everything in the bathroom (including in my actual apartment) is new!  

After the closet is the kitchen. This kitchen is quite big compared to others we saw. I also appreciated that it is contained so that the heat from the stove won't make the apartment too hot. Everything in there, of course, is also new :)

Then you enter the living area, looking back at the kitchen area looks like this. Notice the awesome decorating. To the right there is where the tenant put her desk/eating table area. She had a really big table so it could be multipurpose but she also managed to have decoration around it. 

Then you turn to the right and see where she had her living room area. It's really nice that she could fit a couch and a television in that corner. I'm thinking about having a futon as a couch for visitors.

Sorry, the size is necessary. First of all, notice how she used those tower shelves to separate the different "rooms". Also, it's just really nice in here. Everything fits so nicely even though she had pretty big furniture. PS. Just as a side note, cable and internet is expensive. Cheapest cable/internet bundles are about $70! I keep trying to convince myself that I don't need cable, but it's not working.

Turning further right is the wall-to-wall window and door out to the huge balcony. No picture could do it justice, so I won't bother. Then you turn further right to the bedroom type area:

First of all, I love her decorations. Secondly, I LOVE how she can fit a double/queen bed in there. I am SO set on a big bed. I also love how the bedroom can feel a bit separated without needing walls. As you can see to the right of the bed is ANOTHER huge closet:

I like how it's huge and that it already has some organization in there! Including a SHOE RACK!! It's very very exciting how much awesome storage this place has :D. 

So that is my NEW FREAKING APARTMENT!!! To conclude, this is the view down my sidewalk:

Thank you for reading :).