the three best friends that anyone could have

I just got back from DeCew, specifically the DeCew HR basement, where Todd, 'Tale, and I had the Tuesday of Mystery that I planned for us :D: "BFF Day"! It was kind of hard to get us all together at the beginning, and I was getting worried that they weren't caring too much about hanging out, but today was pretty good. They really seemed to like the presents I gave them, so that was really nice :). I guess I just still feel... distance though. I guess we're coming from different perspectives; I won't be there but they are still going to be at Brock next year, in residence, on RLS. One close friend is just one smallish portion of change. My whole life is going to be different, and not being around Lindsay Todd and Andrew Natale in that setting (@ Brock in Res on RLS) is the backbone of that change.

It's really freaking hard, and I guess I haven't had the sentimental experience that matches that. Denouement will be close, but 'Tale won't be there.

Bah.

I'm sad. I'll miss my friends.

lasts

Yesterday, I packed up a considerable amount of my stuff and my dad moved it home. My room doesn't look any emptier, but it's the knowledge of that huge step in leaving that makes me a little bit sad.

This is my last week. (Yes, I said "last" even though I've considered it a bad word lately).
Last week as a Don.
Last week at Brock.
Last week as an Undergrad.
Last week in residence.
Last week so close to my friends.
Last week living in St. Catharines.

It's weird, and sucks.

It's also difficult trying to find time/availability to tie up all the loose ends that I want to tie. There are the traditional school ones that seem ominous (like my placement hours, my thesis motivation), and the residence ones such as painting both my bricks, which I consider essential, giving gifts to everyone I want to gift, and spending good, quality, sentimental time with the people I love and will miss most.

Sigh.

Right now I don't feel too sad. I think I will realize how devastated I am at denouement, then the morning after, and definitely the weeks to follow.

dumped

I've made a couple official decisions:

1. I've officially turned down Queen's. The biggest problem with Queen's is that it's a Masters of Education, and it really can't do its best to take me to where I want to go.

2. I'm going to go to Grad School out of province. That means that, yes, despite my ambivalence about Brock, I've officially decided I'm not going to go there. Sorry Rebecca and Hans. :(. I feel bad because I feel like I'm letting them down. Like I'm breaking up with them :S.


This all, however, means that I'm definitely either going to McGill or UBC, and that currently the answer is McGill because I have no response from UBC yet. But, of course, I shall wait for the response from UBC and then decide, because, frankly, I don't know. They both have their heavy pros and cons.
It feels good to narrow it down so much though.

small envelops

Today was a whirlwind. I came down and, finally, I actually had some mail at the desk when I asked. It was a tiny envelop from UofT and I was scared to open it. I sat with Jess (my thesis partner) and stared at it, not wanting to open it. Finally I did and, as expected, they rejected me. My first rejection. I was pretty disappointed about it. I was afraid that it would be predictive of the other Big Schools' decisions. It was crummy.

That's why I was not so excited when Lindsay told me I had more mail, and revealed an equally small envelop from McGill.

Low and behold, however, I FUCKING GOT ACCEPTED TO MCGILL!!! McGill University, "the Harvard of Canada" as many pointed out, thinks I'm good enough to go there. I still can't even believe it: I have the chance to go to the best school in the country. What on Earth do I do now? Other than wait for UBC?! Several things came from this acceptance:

1. I made a school evaluation chart. I put all the dimensions that are a factor for me in deciding on schools (everything from the weather to the prof). Then I weighted each with a percentage based on importance. THEN I ranked each school (Brock, Queen's, McGill, and UBC even tho I haven't heard from them yet) from 1-4 on each dimension. When I multiplied the rank by the percentage and added them up, they each had a score, and the lower score = the school that works best for me. The results are as follows:

1. McGill
2. UBC
3. Brock
4. Queen's

UBC's score can still change, though, based of course of if they accept me and, if they do, what they offer. McGill's can change a little bit too because I don't know what prof I would have, etc. I believe I should know that soon though.

2. I'm afraid of living in Montreal. Is that weird? I just feel like its culture is beyond me, not something I'm used too. Could I really live in such an exotic/Europe-like place for two years?! I may be too sheltered and suburban for that. I don't know. The thought just scares me, and it didn't before I got accepted. Maybe I'll be terrified at the thought of Vancouver if I get accepted to UBC? Maybe I just need to suck it up, grow my freaking edge, and take on a new challenge.

Bah.

wow...

does that count? does it matter?
...either way, I'm a winner... *rolls eyes*

sorry ryerson?

I've felt exceptionally by myself today. This is generally a good thing because I like having personal time, but then it feels isolating when no one is online. And THEN I tried to call everyone I knew because I was having a hallwear-related crisis, but NO ONE WAS HOME.

It was sad.

Anyway, several things happened today.
I fought with my mom, which was lovely. During this time I inadvertently missed a Leadership meeting :| which was sad and wouldn't have happened if I had a functioning cell phone. I then found out that my cell phone is 95% likely to be dead forever, so that was fun. Then there was the hallwear-related crisis during which I thought I had been too much of a deadbeat and screwed my students over but then Promotions Plus saved me! Then I fought with my dad about my Grad party.

Good sandwich...

Anyway, during this time I also got my offer package from Ryerson!! They had already told me I was accepted but this showed the money and professor I was offered. They put up a sweet deal: $8000, all based on academic merit, plus opportunity for TA or RAship. They offered me this prof. She seems pretty cool, not AS exciting as Magda Lewis from Queen's or Rebecca Raby from Brock. Strangely, the deadline they gave me is April 23rd, and it's not only to respond to the offer but also to pay a $500 tuition deposit :|. Very stupid. I'm 99% sure that I'm declining Ryerson, but it's just stressful because it feels so official. What if I regret it?!

I'll probably neglect replying until it's too late. It's how I do lol.

Also, yesterday I had e-mailed Hans Skott-Myhre asking for a delay on my deadline to reply to Brock, and today he sent me this e-mail:

Hi Jennifer

I am not sure if my last e-mail went through so forgive me if this is repetitious. We are very interested in having you as a student in our program. We will be happy to hold a spot open for you as long as we can and will notify you if this becomes problematic. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to be more competitive with the other schools

Best

Hans

Man they're good at bribing me. I don't know what to do... I need a life coach.

roller coaster

The times since I've written last have been considerably up and down, so I will try to document them as such.

Up: The next day was also a day of Jenn, except it was HUMID and I had to go outside.
Down: That evening I realized I had a huge, end of the year research paper due for my thesis the NEXT DAY.
Up: I had a really interesting night doing homework and stuff.
Down: I went to bed at 6am realizing the paper wouldn't get done til the Tuesday.
Up: I went home for "Easter" for the Monday - Wednesday and, although it was very homework heavy, it was nice and relaxing.
Down: I cried at the Awards Dinner.
Up: I got the Residents Committed to Excellence award, just as I had dreamed at the end of first year at the Dinner.
Down: I had another huge paper due Thursday and so stayed up til 7:30am with nothing interesting happening.
Up: GOT INTO RYERSON!!
Down: Effing confused about school next year.
Up: I went to my last Isaac's night ever and had a great time.
Down: I went to my last Isaac's night ever.
Up: I went out partying on Friday with Leadership!!!
Down: I collapsed in on myself during a bit of the night. Crying. Phone calling. Emoooo.
Up: The night turned out wicked.
Down: Saturday I was still emo and silly and exhausted.
Up: I taught much more Leadership!!! I fucking love teaching!!
Down: Saturday evening was mascot exchange and SAD and I gave away my Raven. And I didn't cry, which is generally a bad thing.
Up: I got to teach more Leadership the next day!!
Down: It was my last Leadership teaching EVER.
Up: Had a really good Sunday night up til 5am with friends in L134 :).
Down: Had to wake up at 8:30am to go to Hamilton.
Up: Had an INTERVIEW!!!!!!!
Down: Was judged by mother on appearance.
Up: Put my phone in to get FIXED!!!
Down: Had a HUGE fight with my mom.
Up: June Cleavered the shit outta Quarry View and made a big dinner for 'Tale and Todd :D.
Down: More emo than I can possibly explain Monday night.
Up: Woke up, showered, and cleaned on a whim coincidentally right before room inspections
Down: Realized I bought two Shampoos and no conditioner on Monday.
Up: Spent entire day today watching Glee!!!!!!!!!!
Down: Got SPONTANEOUSLY EMO. Realized my insanity is far reaching again. Bad thoughts. The whole nine yards.
Up: Played a lot of Risk online.

And now here we are. I'm sure, nonexistent reader, that that was beyond the most interesting thing you have ever read. Feel proud that you could have been a part of it.

the day of jenn :)

Today was the first day of the Easter break, and it was lovely. It, April 2nd, 2010, became the day in which I did absolutely everything I loved, from the moment it started at 12:00am to the moment it ended. It involved partying (that's the moment it started) and everything that goes with, FREE food from East Sides, care of my PARENTS!!!, Project Runway, chatting with my friends, napping, staying inside on a hot day with a fan on me, having no students but being a Don, infinite games of guilt-free online Monopoly, and lounging in my bed in whatever I slept in.

Good.
Freaking.
Day.


I'm not sure I have much else to say though. Can't wait for another Day of Jenn tomorrow!!

hermit

I feel uncomfortable where I am right now. In my head I'm even thinking "I can't wait until the year is over"... which is probably the craziest thing I've ever thought. I just... I feel like I've overstayed. Not by a year but like by a month or something. I feel like the school year, and my RLS run, would have ended perfectly had the semester ended a month ago.

Right now I just get the sense that we're all itching to get away from each other. Maybe we'll all be able to rejuvenate after Easter. Hopefully.

It makes me feel really uncomfortable though, like I should just stay out of other people's way by staying in my room all day - which I did today. I liked it because there were no encounters to make me feel uncomfortable in my skin. I'm probably just overreacting though, which I do. I just wish I knew how to fix that feeling.



This blog has not seen a happy day yet, has it? I should work on that.